The Value of Kindness

“’Where are we?’ the dragons asked, and the corporal pointed to the six mountains bathed in sunlight. 'In the world, my friends, in the beautiful world,’ he said. ‘Everything you need is there and always has been there, waiting for you to come out of the fog.’” (Paley, page 120)

I didn't want to like Vivian Gussin Paley’s You Can’t Say You Can’t Play. My first grade son was dealing with a bully both in the classroom and on the playground and I was fiercely committed to the idea that he should have the right to exclude this child from his play. In Paley’s words, I supported the idea that a child has “the right to choose one’s companions, unpressured and unopposed.”(page 73)

My son did not agree.  Despite being physically threatened and hurt by this other boy, he insisted that a kind person would include the boy in play and that he wanted to be a kind person. He told the boy, “I want to be your friend, but I don’t like it when you hurt me.” I read through Paley’s book on a mission to prove them both wrong – to find the flaw in her story. I was determined to see her idea fail.

The story of Magpie started winning me over. Paley writes, “Who is this Magpie who won’t let Beatrix be mean? Someone apparently who is more powerful than jealousy and more dependable than impulse and caprice. Lisa likes Magpie and trusts him. His is the first picture she draws for the book. I am certain she wants me to be more like Magpie and not allow her to be mean even when she is jealous of playmates or uncomfortable with strangers.” (page 68) Not allow her to be mean … hmmm

This idea was echoed in the wisdom of my son’s principal who talked with both boys in order to “provide a little leverage on our end as well so he doesn't feel like he is pinched between making or keeping a friend and having conflicts he can't navigate during his playtime.” He made it clear that violent behavior was not going to be tolerated and explained the idea of progressive discipline, plainly explaining that the consequences would get greater each time this boy was violent. Leverage for keeping a friend … hmmm

The next week the boy threatened another student and my son jumped in to say, “Not hurting means everyone, not just me! If you don’t stop, I can tell the principal right now!” The boy stopped and the play continued. Everyone, not just me … hmmm

Students need to “be helped out of their trap.” (Paley, page 123) I truly believe that in their core they don’t want to be mean. They don’t want to exclude each other. But they need teachers and other adults who will help them. Help them figure it out. Help give them the leverage, the power, to make the world better. Help them stand up for themselves and others. Help them be good friends and kind people

I’m now about halfway through reading the Magpie story to my son and he loves it. It brings up all sorts of complicated questions about how to be kind and what kindness means - things I had no idea he was thinking about or dealing with. I wish there was a published copy of the Magpie story – I’d love to read it to my future classroom.